


Mistakes

by in_fatuated



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 02:39:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4204854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_fatuated/pseuds/in_fatuated
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Cullen Rutherford left someone back in Kirkwall - a young lady named Tamlyn to whom he had promised himself to. Having left his old life and love behind him when Kirkwall fell, and finding romance with the Inquisitor herself, Tamlyn reappears at Skyhold to reclaim her intended.</p><p>Cullen thought he needed to fulfill his obligations to his former lover, and when the Inquisitor advised him to see it through and reluctantly released him to Tamlyn, the good Commander obeyed.</p><p>Now, it is the biggest regret in his life, and the Commander tries his best to convince the Inquisitor to let him make amends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> A short drabble, written for fun. Will apply to an Inquisitor of any race/class.

"You never said that if I went to her, you would never consider having me again." He was looking at her earnestly, his eyes bearing into hers.  
  
---  
  
She frowned, "Having you? Why - I-, I don't quite understand."  
  
Cullen brought his hand up to ease the tension in the back of his neck, looking away from her, not knowing the right words to say. He knew he should not expect anything from her, but the clench in his chest each time he caught sight of her in various parts of the stronghold made it difficult to remain silent.  
  
He worried now that bringing this up would destroy whatever remnant of friendship left between them, but it was too late.  
  
"I- I have made stupid decisions in my life. And leaving you, was the biggest one of them. I never meant to hurt you -" he began.  
  
She visibly shrank back from him, trying to disguise it with endless fidgeting. Her frown had deepened, she played with the tendrils of hair that escaped from her ponytail, rubbed her nose, pulled at her outfit, and looked at everywhere but him. He could not tell if the shock on her face was from horror at the thought of being with him again.  
  
He took a step towards her, cautiously, hands outstretched. She gave a nervous chuckle and sidestepped him, shrugging and said, "No, I know you did not mean to hurt me, and you didn't - I mean, it was what it was. I'm glad we made that choice. Despite what I felt, I'm glad now."  
  
She finally met his eyes, and he could see the sincerity within them. "I admit it wasn't easy to see it -to see you around and know that you chose her, but in the end I was glad for it. I made the right call, didn't I? All I wanted was that you were happy because you deserve that, Cullen, you really do," she carried on, her words spilling out in a rush.

He knew she was rambling but he didn't stop her, knowing that she was this way every time she felt nervous. This was the first time since she told him to go to Tamlyn that he was hearing how she felt about it, and even though it pained him to know he had caused her hurt, he needed to hear it.  
  
"You weren't happy when we were together, I know that now. I've seen the way you look at her and I know we did the right thing. You don't have to apologize anymore. It's all in the past. Let's just not talk about it, yeah?"

 It was as if she just realized that she was rambling, and with a final shrug, she bit her lip and looked at the ground.  
  
N-no! He wanted to say. He had been happiest when he was with _her_ , those days that passed by in a flurry were filled with warmth and laughter that should have never been. Not in the middle of a war.  
  
He opened his mouth to correct her, to say that he _needed_ to talk about it when she suddenly looked up at him again, smiling brightly at him, a smile that did not reach her brown eyes.  
  
He knew that expression well. It was all he had seen the past few months as they passed in other in the hallways, or when he caught her eye during war councils. It was a mask that said " _everything is fine, how are you doing? I do hope you are well_ " and that was it. It was impenetrable. Maker knows how many times he had tried to _talk_ to her, to get past the pleasantries she insisted on throwing at him each time they were alone and was dismissed politely.  
  
When he focused his attention on her again, it was as if she had already forced herself to forget what he had said, ignoring it, like it never happened. He tried to think of the right words to bring his point across, when the heavy door swung open. "Commander? We have an urgent report from the scouts in Fallowmire."  
  
He sighed, as her countenance brightened with relief. She gave a last bright smile to him, waved a little goodbye and was out the door before he could stop her.

 

* * *

   
  
Cullen signed off the last of the reports and stood up, rolling his aching shoulders that were bearing the brunt of his heavy armour. He had to find her, before another barrage of paperwork came looking for him. It was nearing dusk, and he knew she would be in her rooms reading, as she was wont to do in the hours nearing dinner.

He strode determinedly through the courtyard, the air heavy with the smell of various herbs she was cultivating. He cherished the lingering scent. The courtyard had been the only place where he could relive memories of being with her. The hand towel she left in his quarters had long since lost any hint of the way she used to smell. The fleeting scent that wafted behind her each time she passed him only served to make his insides twist and miss her more. It was only here that he could sit for hours, breathing in deeply and  pretending that she was right beside him, _remembering_ the feel of her right beside him, and forget all that had happened since Tamlyn walked through the gates of Skyhold, demanding all of his attention.  
  
He climbed the stairs in a hurry, wishing to catch her before she left for dinner and turning the words around in his mind. He would have to get straight to the point, so she would have no chance to avoid him.  
  
As he lifted his hands to knock, her door opened. She gasped and he could _see_ the wheels in her head set in motion. She gave a little wince, revealing to him that she hadn't forgotten his earlier confession, and that she would rather be anywhere but here, listening to it again.  
  
"Commander, I-" she bit out.  
  
"No." He interrupted. "I need to say this - I never should have left you. It was stupid. _I_ was stupid. And I know you may never be able to trust me again, but I need to try. Don’t you see? I need to at least try."  
  
She stared at him in shock. He had raised his voice to deflect any interruptions she might have tried to make, and he knew he had never spoken to her that way before. But this was good - she was not running away, or making excuses, or giving him false bright smiles.  
  
"I have wronged you -" he held up his hand, stopping her as she opened her mouth to argue, "-even though you think it was right. I never should have agreed to give Tamlyn another chance. I thought I wouldn't be able to rest until I found out for sure that we had nothing left between us, and that it would not have been fair to you for me to keep wondering but continue staying by your side. But she was just a memory - polished to near perfection over the years that I had not seen her. She became an idea, a childhood friendship made into idealist perfection in my mind. And I found myself projecting the way she was in my mind onto her person. Then I realized - I was projecting _you._ It was _you_ that I wanted all along. It was wishful thinking and childhood fantasy that made me question if Tamlyn could be my future when I was with you. I have no right to be asking you for this, I know that very well. But I will spend the rest of my life making this right, atoning for what I have done. I will do anything.."

He paused and breathed in deeply. Chancing a glance at her, he saw that her lips were pressed tightly together, her expression unreadable. He wanted to surge on, to assuage her doubts, to make her believe he was truly sorry but he was struggling to find the right words.  
  
As his voice broke off, he heard her let out a soft laugh. She was looking at him with a mixture of regret and disbelief, "Commander-"  
  
"Cullen" he insisted.  
  
She sighed heavily, "Okay, _Cullen_. I do not know what happened between you and Tamlyn, and I don't really want to find out. But you have to understand…I just can't…can't bring myself to.."

She was struggling for words as well, wringing her hands helplessly in the air as she threw him a look of absolute frustration, "..to try _again._ There! I've said it. I can't, Cullen. It will take too much out of me, and I'm not ready to go there just yet."  
  
He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw shut. He had expected this but that did not lessen the wrenching pain in his gut.

"I know. I do. I will do whatever it takes, to make you trust me again. And I will wait however long before you are ready again. _Whatever_ it takes," he promised.  
  
He watched her face fall before him. He knew that the despair he was feeling was written all over his countenance.  
  
"Cullen, I..it's still too raw. Perhaps, we could just be friends again?" she asked, looking up hopefully at him, "just take it slowly. Whatever happens in the future…", she trailed off, giving him another little shrug. He knew that she could not even try to begin contemplating a future with him again.  
  
Cullen drank her in with his eyes, her dark hair glowing from the fireplace behind her, her small hands pulling at the loose string of her robes, her eyes wide with something akin to fear as she stared up at him, teeth worrying her lips.

She was afraid he would insist, he thought, but of course he wouldn't. How could he? He could never force her to do anything she did not want to. All he wanted was to take her in his arms, or flatten his palm against her small waist, to kiss her gently on her forehead, or her nose, he couldn't bear to look down at her lips for that would push him to the edge.

He wanted to whisper that he was sorry, _so sorry_ over and over again for causing her pain, that he couldn't fathom how she must have felt, that he would have gone crazy had she been the one who left him, that he would have sought out the other man and pummelled him to the ground in blind anger.

He wanted to trail his hands across her cheeks to wipe away the invisible tears he knew he had caused.  He wanted her to curl up against him, as she did so often every morning. His heart ached for the fingers that no longer reached out seeking his own in the dark of the night.

She was his precious, fragile little thing and it was he who almost broke her. He, who swore every day that he would protect her heart, her life with every single breath he took. He'd failed her.  
  
He raised his hands in defeat; there was a heavy feeling in the bridge of his nose that he had not felt since he was a little boy. He shook his head, "I will not force you to accept me. I will be whatever I can be to you, in whichever way you will have me. But I love _you_ , there is no question about that. If friends are what you wish us to be, then so be it."  
  
Her lips stretched slightly into a little smile. Her eyes spoke volumes of relief as they locked onto his. He wondered if she could see the pain and torment that must be reflected in them, the same ones he saw in her own eyes when he agreed to do as she bade and walked out of her quarters to look for a renewed future with Tamlyn, the same Tamlyn he had said farewell to two days ago.  
  
She broke into a wider smile. "I believe that will work out nicely, Commander." her tones were teasing, slipping easily into banter with an old friend. "Shall we adjourn to the dining hall then?"  
  
Cullen nodded sadly, and followed after her as she skipped down the stairs. He knew this would be all he will see of her - the bright, smiling Inquisitor, full of hope and laughter. He would never be the one she came to for help, or to confide in, to cry with hopelessness against his shoulder during her darkest nights. At least, _not yet_. But he will get there, he promised himself. And if in the middle of that journey, a hopeful suitor appeared - as he knew that it would be inevitable, that fellow had better be ready to fight him for her hand, for the Commander of the Inquisition resolved that he would _never_ allow her to slip out of his grasp again.  
  
 


End file.
